Is the GOP Headed the Way of the Whigs?

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OH, POOR DEFEATED REPUBLICANS! In what direction can you look, lo, these many days (32 since the 2012 election) for news to gladden your hearts?

You are stuck with Mr. Barack Hussein Obama for four more years, two more months, thirteen more days, and nineteen more hours (depending on when I finish this article). Pain, pain, pain, and nothing but pain!

You thought you were going to win. You were so sure. (You always are. It’s the Conservative Way.) You lost the women’s vote, you know. So, for starters, it seems fitting to open with a quote from Edith Wharton:

“The return to reality was as painful as the return to consciousness after taking an anesthetic.”
Sure. It hurts. But face reality you must.

Perhaps, like scientists, you should consider the evidence. You lost the ladies. You lost the Latinos. You lost the Asian American vote. You know you lost the gay and lesbian vote (at least the ones your side couldn’t “cure”). Oh, the raw red pain that comes from believing you were so right (way right) and yet turned out so wrong (about polling numbers). Perhaps you might find comfort in the wisdom of the ages. As Herodotus, the ancient historian, once noted:

“There is no more terrible pain a man can endure than to see clearly and be able to do nothing.” You “knew” Obama was a commie; and you couldn’t convince anyone. Still, you must endure.

On the other hand, scientists may be onto something, like statistical analysis. Did you realize your party lost the “scientist” demographic? Well, you did. It turns out not many U. S. scientists are Republican. According to a Pew Research Center report in 2009, 52% described themselves as “liberal.” Only 9% said they were “conservative” in ideology. As for voting, only 6 of every 100 identified themselves as “Republican.”

Now, you are probably saying to yourselves: “Damn those scientists! What is it with their fetish for logic and evidence?” Don’t they understand that dinosaurs hitched a ride with Noah on that soggy day so long ago (well, not THAT long ago) when he launched the Ark?

What do you believe, conservative Americans? We know you don’t believe in global warming. (Or fossils.) We know 58% of Republicans say God created the earth within the last 10,000 years. (There goes the “historian” demographic.)

Did you know you also lost the college professor vote (only 15% self-identify as “conservative”)? That you badly lost the youth vote, too?

Console yourselves.

You know you’re right (way-to-hell-rape-is-God’s-way-of-saying-you’re-having-a-baby-right). Isn’t it true that truth triumphs in the end? Perhaps history will still swing your way. Perhaps John Marquand is your man to explain:

“Youth must make its own adjustment, and must do so by the painful system of trial and error.” Perhaps the young will eventually come around. Perhaps the 17^th century ideology of your “modern” GOP will win out in the end. To be honest, though, your party demographic is gray-haired, sclerotic and old. Time is not on your side.

Whatever happens, we of the liberal persuasion feel your pain. We do—we remember the elections of 1972 and 1984. And we want you to heal, we do. You’re Americans. We don’t want you to secede. We don’t like to see you so downcast, so hurt and so angry.

Here, in fact, we follow the example of Virgil:

“Through pain, I learned to comfort suffering men.” We’re sorry you lost almost every voter demographic (except leprechauns and Koch brothers). We know the next four years, two months, thirteen days and random hours will be hard. We know, if Hilary comes out of retirement in 2016, you are totally, totally, totally screwed.

So take heart in the wisdom of the ages. Consider the words of Herodotus again:

“In later days a man can find charm in old adversity, exile and pain.” You will feel better in days to come. After all, you still have Fox News to stir your conservative blood. And you can tune in safely again, knowing Dick Morris and Karl Rove have been exiled for their sins (telling Fox viewers what Fox viewers wanted to hear: that Mitt Romney was certain to win).

In the end, you and the GOP stand on a precipice, poised, historically, to go one of two ways. William Shakespeare laid them both out:

“Not knowing anything’s the sweetest life—Ignorance is an evil free from pain.” Your side has so far chosen that path. Or you might face discomfiting facts:

“It is a painful thingto look at your own trouble and knowthat you yourself and no one else has made it.” Really, it’s all up to you. You can choose a saner, more realistic direction as a party or you can go the way of the Whigs.