Helping Conservatives Heal: Have You Hugged Your Gun Today?

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These are hard times for American conservatives. It’s no secret the resultsof the recent election came to them as a shock. So let us offer this article asthe first in a series (we hope) designed to help bring closure to their lives.

It’s true. President Obama is going to ruin your days and haunt the darkest hoursof your nights for four more years. Yes, gays are going to be marching down theaisles to marry. Yes, pot smoking is now legal in two states.  

That’s okay. Stay calm, conservative Americans. The Second Amendment isstill safe and you have all your guns. And by “all your guns,” we mean all your guns. Really, you are some gun-totingfools. No nation comes close to the United States when you’re talking mass firepower.Private citizens in this country possess anestimated 270 million handguns and rifles, or roughly 88.8 weapons for every100 people. That’s the highest gun-ownership rate of any country in the world. Americansown more guns, per capita, than Yemenis (54.8) who come in #2; and Yemen is boggeddown in a civil war.  

What we’re trying to say, conservatives, is don’t despair. The electoralprocess works. It just doesn’t always go your way. Still, don’t forget, in 2009,at the urging of the National Rifle Association, twenty states, including Floridaand Montana, passed “castle laws” expanding the right of citizens to use deadlyforce to defend themselves in their homes. New laws have also made it easier toobtain licenses to carry concealed weapons. Andearlier this month Oklahoma became the fifteenth state to enact an “opencarry” law making it legal to carry a weapon in plain view.  

Heading to the grocery? Got your wallet? Check. Car keys? Check. Pistolstrapped to your hip? Check. You’re ready to roll.

Now get out there and pick up a can of beans. 

Anthony Sykes, the Republican state senator who wrote the Oklahoma lawrecently explained why getting the open-carry law passed mattered so much:  “This enhances Oklahomans’ ability toexercise their Second Amendment rights. I think the evidence is clear that gunowners are some of the most responsible people, and they’ve shown that in notjust Oklahoma, where we’ve had conceal carry for quite some time and there’snever been an incident, but in these other states as well.” More guns mean moresafety. Isn’t that right? Of course it is. So carry your guns proudly,conservative Americans— to the doctor’s office, to the ice cream parlor, to thenearest children’s playground. 

Maybe even to a gay wedding. Assuming you’re ever invited. 

Sure. Liberals will bring up the incident in Florida, where the 15-year-oldboy discharged a weapon on the school bus, killinga 13-year-old girl in front of her younger sister. Well, guns don’t killpeople. Bullets do. Yes, it’s true:  DanFredenberg was shot three times in Kalispell, Montana, after stepping into BriceHarper’s garage to accuse his neighbor of having an affair with his wife.Fredenberg was unarmed at the time. That just goes to show if we all carried weaponswe could shoot back too. 

There you have it conservative friends. Next time you’re feeling gloomyabout the direction this country is taking pick up your gun. Feel the reassuringweight in your hand. Study the blue steel. Isn’t it beautiful! Wrap yourfingers round the grip. This is America, baby, and no one is taking away yourguns.  

Quite the opposite. If you folks keep buying up armament at the same rateyou have since President Obama was first elected, and then re-elected, you’regoing to have to start giving some of your weapons to toddlers and babies.
 

SELECT COMPARISON OF GUNOWNERSHIP AND HOMICIDE RATES 
                         Gunsper 100               Gun-related                 Gun-related
                         Persons                        homicides                    homicides per
                                                                                                 100,000 persons
 

Australia                     15                                     30                           0.14
   (These guys are pussies.)

Bangladesh                   0.5                             1,456                           1.12
   (Most people are too poor to ownguns; but those who do know how to use them.)

Denmark                     12                                     15                           0.27

England & Wales         6.2                                  41                           0.07

Finland                        45.3                                  24                           0.45

France                         31.2                                  35                           0.06
   (A furious Frenchman might chooseto kill you with a frozen baguette to the skull.)

Germany                     30.3                                158                           0.19

Japan                             0.6                                  11                           0.01

Mexico                        15                              11,309                           9.97
   (Drug war violence is clearly outof control.)

Russia                           8.9                                       (no other data)

Sweden                       31.6                                  37                           0.41

Vietnam                        1.7                                834                           0.99

United States              88.8                             9,146                           2.97

Weapon fired on Florida school bus, resulting in 13-year-old girl's death.